Soccer Sucks“Soccer Sucks,” Claims Guy Who’s Never Seen It
Danny Lombard, a bartender from Secaucus, NJ, expressed his opinion last night that “soccer sucks” and anybody who plays or watches it is “likely gay or a foreigner or something.” Lombard later admitted that he has never actually seen the sport played.
Lombard’s statements came during an approximately three minute-long diatribe against soccer when one of the friends he had over to his home to play poker mentioned that his son was going away to a soccer camp next month. “Soccer – what is your son gay or something?” said Lombard. “How could you let him play soccer? It sucks. It’s a game for girls and supposed males who aren’t manly enough to play football.”
Lombard continued on, questioning everything from his friend’s merits as a father to why soccer players “have to cover their itty bitty little penises on those penalty shots. If they were real men they’d take a shot in the ‘nads with pride and then play on and beat the crap out of the fairy that kicked the ball at them.”
“I actually kind of enjoy watching it,” said Greg Mirelli, another of Lombard’s poker friends, after the rant had ended. “There’s a certain artistry to the game, especially on the elite level. I even get up early in the morning sometimes to watch games live from Europe.”
Mirelli’s defense of the game inspired several others in attendance to speak up and admit that they didn’t find soccer to be so bad, after which Lombard came clean and admitted he had never really seen it played.
“I’ve seen a few highlights here and there on television, but as a rule I always change the channel when they come on,” said Lombard. “And I once picked up my niece at her soccer practice and caught a bit of that – but regardless of what all of you say, soccer still sucks and I ain’t never going to watch it.”